Ah, what an eloquent reflection on our inefficient and broken system.
I was a criminal defense investigator for well over a decade, in multiple states and jurisdictions. I mostly worked with public defenders whose clients are perceived as the lowest of the low by society in general.
But, just as you touched on, the trauma so many of our clients had endured in life would also be unfathomable to society in general. It was our job to be in their corner, sometimes the first people to ever fight for them.
Of course, I also sat across a table from evil given physical form. But that was rare. I met so many wonderful people, strong, funny, resilient and smart. They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, born disadvantaged, in the wrong neighborhood or to the wrong parents and the system did the rest.
What you wrote about here is part of the reason I don't do that work anymore. Day in and day out trying to show that everyone is more than the worst day of their lives only to have prejudice and bias win out without a moment's consideration. It's heartbreaking.
Sorry for the ramble, you got me in a head space I haven’t touched in years and I just had to throw my voice in with yours.
Thank you so much for sharing. You write very well.
I AM SO GLAD YOU SHARED THIS BECAUSE I FEEL THE SAME!!! I worked with parents in DCFS for years and had the same experience, meeting so many good people who were born into impossible circumstances and judged without ever being given a real chance to show they could do better. That’s a big part of why I moved away from system work and toward coaching and consultation, where I can actually support change instead of watching people get filtered out by processes I no longer believe in. I understand what you said about walking away even when the money is good, because doing work that conflicts with your values wears you down over time. I loved your ramble and I’m sooo glad you added your perspective here. What are you doing now?
Haha, I'm really glad my ramble was well received. Try as I might, I can only ever seem to respond in paragraphs!
And yes, the moral injury was so soul sucking. Played a role in my blossoming alcoholism. That and seeing things that shouldn't even exist let alone be seen by others.
I learned about the idea of moral injury after I left the job but it fits what I experienced exactly. Sounds like you felt that too. It's a growing issue in helping professionals of all kinds because (I think) it is becoming impossible to ignore how inhumane our systems are. I don't know how that will change but it will have to.
I bounced around jobs after I left investigation looking for something that fit. But it us hard to launch a new career when you can't go more than a few hours with drink. Soooo, then it was rehab and afterwards cade management for people with severe and persistent mental illness. That was just as bad, maybe worse.
Then I had my daughter and left to be a stay at home mom (my husband and I planned this intentionally). Easily the hardest job I've ever had - but no moral injury. Not yet, at least.🤞🏻
I relate to what you’re saying about moral injury more than I expected to. I went through my own sobriety struggle after an abusive relationship, something I never imagined would be me, especially since my client population for years was domestic violence and substance use. I carried a lot of shame at the time, but getting help and going through treatment changed how I understand behavior and why people make the choices they do. It’s a big reason I stepped away from working inside the system and now focus on helping families navigate it instead. No one should be reduced to their worst moment, and too often the system forgets that.
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs there is, and there is NO handbook for it. After years of working with families whose children were removed, I saw how often parents were trying their best while dealing with overwhelming circumstances that outsiders never fully understood. The system often looks at isolated moments instead of the bigger picture of a person’s life. That experience gave me a lot of respect for parents trying to navigate impossible situations. It’s part of why I care so much about helping families feel seen and better supported.
Cappy, I love your reply almost as much as I love the original piece. The trauma my son endured, and still endures, is shockingly unfair. He touched no one, hurt no one, and yet those who've committed real atrocities on minors get a slap on the wrist. It makes me insane.
I hear the weight of this. Watching your child carry something that feels unfair and disproportionate can make anyone furious and exhausted. It’s hard to make sense of systems that seem inconsistent about who they punish and how. I hope he has people around him who see the full picture of who he is.
I just took a look at your profile and all I can say is I am so sorry for what you and your son went through. I had a few clients over the years who were autistic or developmentally delayed. I could never understand how in a society that talks soooo much about mental health, judges and prosecutors seemed to have no understanding or compassion for the impact of putting these individuals in jail.
I had one client, had to be on the autism spectrum but not officially diagnosed, who was held without bail and never made it back out. He was confused, scared and paranoid which finally came out as violence. He didn’t kill anyone but he did enough damage to accumulate charges. The prosecutor acted like he revealed his true nature. 🙄
I think anyone who works in the criminal justice should have to spend 24 hours in custody. Let them/us see what they are doing to people - might make them a little more reflective before they start slamming people in there.
This "The prosecutor acted like he revealed his true nature." kills me. You're right. They have no understanding and zero compassion for those with mental health issues or developmental disabilities. If they did, every single state and municipality would offer diversion for first time offenders with these issues. Instead they suspend the sentences of those who have horrific things to kids and let them walk, while others, like my son - who did nothing - suffer under 10 year probationary periods and felonies that stick with them for the rest of their lives.
GRR.
Anyway, lovely to meet you Cappy. I'll be checking out your Substack and look forward to reading you work!
Susan, I made a deliberate shift away from working inside the system after years of doing court evaluations and seeing how inconsistent and impersonal it can be. I moved into consultation and coaching so I could help parents navigate the process more strategically, especially those who think they have to comply with everything because they lack resources or do not realize they have options. I went through my own experiences that I once carried shame about, and that changed how I wanted to show up in this work. Now I work directly with families to help them understand the system, advocate for themselves, and put themselves in the strongest position possible. Hearing perspectives like yours is exactly why I chose to do this differently.
Susan, I hear how much frustration and heartbreak sit underneath this for you, especially when it comes to your son. The inconsistency in how cases are handled can feel brutal and personal. I’m glad you’re speaking up about it and channeling your experience into something that could help other parents. I’m looking forward to reading your work too and staying connected here.
Lovely to meet you too Susan! I'm sorry that it was over such a sad, engaging topic. But I will day, it seems like you are using your experience in an inspiring way. Parents of children with these issues absolutely need a guide or book or something to help them advocate effectively. It's not like anyone else is going to help them.
So good for you! I look forward to reading your writing too!
This echos your experience! The woman concerned has been subjected to horrific systems abuse first for fleeing a DV situation, then for complaining about getting no help and having her child stolen for her without court orders or just cause!
I’m sorry to hear that. Situations involving domestic violence and custody are often complex and deeply painful, especially when systems meant to protect feel overwhelming or unresponsive. My writing speaks to how disorienting those experiences can be. I hope she finds the support and legal guidance she needs. I will read your post!
I’m sure many of your readers can relate to some of your experiences. A lawyer once told me “Governments are nothing but asset-stripping factories waiting on one to default (e.g., family breakdown, poverty, homelessness, job loss, grief & loss, etc…)!”. That, for me, sums it all up!
I can understand how experiences like that would shape the way you see institutions. When someone has already been through loss or crisis, it can feel like the system adds another layer instead of relief. There are people who walk away feeling supported, and others who feel extracted from.
"Composure is mistaken for credibility. Emotion is mistaken for instability." — that's one of the sharpest observations here, and it has enormous implications in forensic and legal contexts. The person most visibly affected by trauma is often the one penalized for it, while the capacity to perform composure gets read as evidence of innocence or fitness.
The affluenza point also cuts to something real: when privilege becomes a clinical explanation, it stops being an advantage and starts being an excuse with a diagnosis code attached.
You put this into words so well. Systems often reward presentation over reality, and people carrying the most impact are the ones judged the hardest for showing it. That dynamic shows up far more often than people want to admit, especially in legal and clinical spaces. I’m glad you pointed it out so directly.
Thank you, Dr. Mirkin — I truly appreciate your thoughtful response.
I agree that systems often privilege performance over truth. The ability to regulate emotion can become a kind of social currency, while visible impact is interpreted as instability rather than evidence of harm.
It’s reassuring to see this dynamic acknowledged so clearly, especially by someone working within those spaces. Conversations like this matter.
I appreciate you saying that. It’s complicated to work inside systems and still speak honestly about where they fall short. Emotional control being treated as credibility is something I see often, and it can distort how harm gets understood.
Ah, what an eloquent reflection on our inefficient and broken system.
I was a criminal defense investigator for well over a decade, in multiple states and jurisdictions. I mostly worked with public defenders whose clients are perceived as the lowest of the low by society in general.
But, just as you touched on, the trauma so many of our clients had endured in life would also be unfathomable to society in general. It was our job to be in their corner, sometimes the first people to ever fight for them.
Of course, I also sat across a table from evil given physical form. But that was rare. I met so many wonderful people, strong, funny, resilient and smart. They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, born disadvantaged, in the wrong neighborhood or to the wrong parents and the system did the rest.
What you wrote about here is part of the reason I don't do that work anymore. Day in and day out trying to show that everyone is more than the worst day of their lives only to have prejudice and bias win out without a moment's consideration. It's heartbreaking.
Sorry for the ramble, you got me in a head space I haven’t touched in years and I just had to throw my voice in with yours.
Thank you so much for sharing. You write very well.
I AM SO GLAD YOU SHARED THIS BECAUSE I FEEL THE SAME!!! I worked with parents in DCFS for years and had the same experience, meeting so many good people who were born into impossible circumstances and judged without ever being given a real chance to show they could do better. That’s a big part of why I moved away from system work and toward coaching and consultation, where I can actually support change instead of watching people get filtered out by processes I no longer believe in. I understand what you said about walking away even when the money is good, because doing work that conflicts with your values wears you down over time. I loved your ramble and I’m sooo glad you added your perspective here. What are you doing now?
Haha, I'm really glad my ramble was well received. Try as I might, I can only ever seem to respond in paragraphs!
And yes, the moral injury was so soul sucking. Played a role in my blossoming alcoholism. That and seeing things that shouldn't even exist let alone be seen by others.
I learned about the idea of moral injury after I left the job but it fits what I experienced exactly. Sounds like you felt that too. It's a growing issue in helping professionals of all kinds because (I think) it is becoming impossible to ignore how inhumane our systems are. I don't know how that will change but it will have to.
I bounced around jobs after I left investigation looking for something that fit. But it us hard to launch a new career when you can't go more than a few hours with drink. Soooo, then it was rehab and afterwards cade management for people with severe and persistent mental illness. That was just as bad, maybe worse.
Then I had my daughter and left to be a stay at home mom (my husband and I planned this intentionally). Easily the hardest job I've ever had - but no moral injury. Not yet, at least.🤞🏻
See what I mean?! Paragraphs, haha.
I relate to what you’re saying about moral injury more than I expected to. I went through my own sobriety struggle after an abusive relationship, something I never imagined would be me, especially since my client population for years was domestic violence and substance use. I carried a lot of shame at the time, but getting help and going through treatment changed how I understand behavior and why people make the choices they do. It’s a big reason I stepped away from working inside the system and now focus on helping families navigate it instead. No one should be reduced to their worst moment, and too often the system forgets that.
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs there is, and there is NO handbook for it. After years of working with families whose children were removed, I saw how often parents were trying their best while dealing with overwhelming circumstances that outsiders never fully understood. The system often looks at isolated moments instead of the bigger picture of a person’s life. That experience gave me a lot of respect for parents trying to navigate impossible situations. It’s part of why I care so much about helping families feel seen and better supported.
Reading this exchange, I’m reminded how often the system confuses compliance with change.
That gap creates a kind of moral injury that’s hard to name, but heavy to carry.🤍
It absolutely does! Thank you for reading!
Cappy, I love your reply almost as much as I love the original piece. The trauma my son endured, and still endures, is shockingly unfair. He touched no one, hurt no one, and yet those who've committed real atrocities on minors get a slap on the wrist. It makes me insane.
I hear the weight of this. Watching your child carry something that feels unfair and disproportionate can make anyone furious and exhausted. It’s hard to make sense of systems that seem inconsistent about who they punish and how. I hope he has people around him who see the full picture of who he is.
He does. He is loved and cherished by family and friends.
I just took a look at your profile and all I can say is I am so sorry for what you and your son went through. I had a few clients over the years who were autistic or developmentally delayed. I could never understand how in a society that talks soooo much about mental health, judges and prosecutors seemed to have no understanding or compassion for the impact of putting these individuals in jail.
I had one client, had to be on the autism spectrum but not officially diagnosed, who was held without bail and never made it back out. He was confused, scared and paranoid which finally came out as violence. He didn’t kill anyone but he did enough damage to accumulate charges. The prosecutor acted like he revealed his true nature. 🙄
I think anyone who works in the criminal justice should have to spend 24 hours in custody. Let them/us see what they are doing to people - might make them a little more reflective before they start slamming people in there.
This "The prosecutor acted like he revealed his true nature." kills me. You're right. They have no understanding and zero compassion for those with mental health issues or developmental disabilities. If they did, every single state and municipality would offer diversion for first time offenders with these issues. Instead they suspend the sentences of those who have horrific things to kids and let them walk, while others, like my son - who did nothing - suffer under 10 year probationary periods and felonies that stick with them for the rest of their lives.
GRR.
Anyway, lovely to meet you Cappy. I'll be checking out your Substack and look forward to reading you work!
Susan
Susan, I made a deliberate shift away from working inside the system after years of doing court evaluations and seeing how inconsistent and impersonal it can be. I moved into consultation and coaching so I could help parents navigate the process more strategically, especially those who think they have to comply with everything because they lack resources or do not realize they have options. I went through my own experiences that I once carried shame about, and that changed how I wanted to show up in this work. Now I work directly with families to help them understand the system, advocate for themselves, and put themselves in the strongest position possible. Hearing perspectives like yours is exactly why I chose to do this differently.
I wish I’d met you way back at the start of this whole thing. I think you’d have saved us a lot of heartache!
me too! if there is ever anything i can do please let me know!
Susan, I hear how much frustration and heartbreak sit underneath this for you, especially when it comes to your son. The inconsistency in how cases are handled can feel brutal and personal. I’m glad you’re speaking up about it and channeling your experience into something that could help other parents. I’m looking forward to reading your work too and staying connected here.
Lovely to meet you too Susan! I'm sorry that it was over such a sad, engaging topic. But I will day, it seems like you are using your experience in an inspiring way. Parents of children with these issues absolutely need a guide or book or something to help them advocate effectively. It's not like anyone else is going to help them.
So good for you! I look forward to reading your writing too!
This echos your experience! The woman concerned has been subjected to horrific systems abuse first for fleeing a DV situation, then for complaining about getting no help and having her child stolen for her without court orders or just cause!
https://matildabawden.substack.com/p/when-sheer-disbelief-makes-the-mental?r=ty9az&utm_medium=ios
I’m sorry to hear that. Situations involving domestic violence and custody are often complex and deeply painful, especially when systems meant to protect feel overwhelming or unresponsive. My writing speaks to how disorienting those experiences can be. I hope she finds the support and legal guidance she needs. I will read your post!
I’m sure many of your readers can relate to some of your experiences. A lawyer once told me “Governments are nothing but asset-stripping factories waiting on one to default (e.g., family breakdown, poverty, homelessness, job loss, grief & loss, etc…)!”. That, for me, sums it all up!
I can understand how experiences like that would shape the way you see institutions. When someone has already been through loss or crisis, it can feel like the system adds another layer instead of relief. There are people who walk away feeling supported, and others who feel extracted from.
Serve god and keep his commandments that all he ask of us! That all he ask of us!
Thank you for reading.
Reading this exchange, I’m reminded how often the system confuses compliance with change.
That gap creates a kind of moral injury that’s hard to name, but heavy to carry.🕊️
"Composure is mistaken for credibility. Emotion is mistaken for instability." — that's one of the sharpest observations here, and it has enormous implications in forensic and legal contexts. The person most visibly affected by trauma is often the one penalized for it, while the capacity to perform composure gets read as evidence of innocence or fitness.
The affluenza point also cuts to something real: when privilege becomes a clinical explanation, it stops being an advantage and starts being an excuse with a diagnosis code attached.
You put this into words so well. Systems often reward presentation over reality, and people carrying the most impact are the ones judged the hardest for showing it. That dynamic shows up far more often than people want to admit, especially in legal and clinical spaces. I’m glad you pointed it out so directly.
Thank you, Dr. Mirkin — I truly appreciate your thoughtful response.
I agree that systems often privilege performance over truth. The ability to regulate emotion can become a kind of social currency, while visible impact is interpreted as instability rather than evidence of harm.
It’s reassuring to see this dynamic acknowledged so clearly, especially by someone working within those spaces. Conversations like this matter.
I appreciate you saying that. It’s complicated to work inside systems and still speak honestly about where they fall short. Emotional control being treated as credibility is something I see often, and it can distort how harm gets understood.
Love this 🫶
Thank you!!
Very interesting and insightful read.
Thank you 🙏
Im glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading!!